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After many months away from “space monkey manifesto”, I am making my triumphant return. In my mind, this is accompanied by the Queen classic… “FLASH! AwwwAW! Saviour of the uniVERSE!” Why have I chosen this day to rekindle your love of my written word? One word for ya: It’s summer vacation.
It’s 3:48 pm on the first day of summer vacation and Ione is already thrashing on the floor, crying out in a pathetic little whine, “but, there’s nothing to doooooooo…” Thelonious has already been victim to several time outs as he learns the meaning of the words “respect” and “antagonize.” However, I am determined, I will stay resolute. My children will learn how to entertain themselves this summer – even if it kills all three of us.
To help the Fox progeny learn this valuable lesson, we took a trip to Target to get Wham-O brand TracBall and a big bouncy ball. While we were out, we stopped by Petsmart (there was an argument: is it “pet smart” or “pet’s mart”?!?!?) to price Budgies. In a moment of weakness, brought on by the ridiculously low P.E.T.Club member prices, I let Thelonious buy a parakeet.
As I sat down to write this post, I felt a warm breeze against my ankles. Actually, not warm… hot! “Why is the thermostat set to 82?!?!?” “Dad, the book says it needs to be between 75 and 85 degrees for my parakeet!”
Ione just threw a note at me from the Creation Station. It is written on pink, heart shaped stationary, placed in a matching pink envelope and sealed. The note reads, “I need mu suitcase and my sleeping bag Because there’s nothing else to do.”
I think I better go.
Erika left early this morning to go to her sister’s baby shower in Southern California. That means it’s the Saturday after Halloween alone with dad – this can not turn out well.
Ione cried for 27 minutes because she wanted me to go get her donuts for breakfast. I finally convinced them both to eat some waffles and sausages. The difficult part was convincing them that they did not need chocolate chips on the waffles or powdered sugar to dip the sausage in.
After breakfast, the kids were counting their candy and Thelonious said, “Hey, Dad, I got a joke book while trick or treating. Check it out… Why do gorillas have big noses?”
“I dunno.”
“Because they have big fingers. ha ha ha. What is the laziest mountain in the world?”
“Hmmm, I dunno.”
“Mount Ever-rest!!! ha ha hee hee ha. Dad, dad, listen to this one… Who will everyone meet someday?”
(this is a weird set up for a joke) “I dunno, Thelonious. Who?”
“God’s son, the Lord Jesus Christ! Hey, here’s another… Will everyone go to heaven?”
“Wellllll…different people believe different things. Some people think everyone will go to heaven. Ya see, Jesus loves everyone – “
“Nope! Says here: The Bible, God’s book says, ‘those who don’t believe and obey him shall never see heaven!’”
Ione laughs hysterically.
Thelonious continues, “Will the bad things I have done (sins) keep me from going to heaven?”
“Well, geez, son, these are kinda complex -”
“It says here: ‘YES! God hates sin! He will not allow sin into heaven! That means I’m in a lot of trouble!’”
Now I know why people think Halloween is evil.
Thelonious finishes with, “I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Wednesday.”
Why am I wasting all this time and money on grad school? Apparently, all truth can be learned by trick or treating.
Erika: Thelonious, you’re so smart, funny, handsome, creative, and fun. Who do you think you get that from – me or daddy?
Thelonious: (pause) Neither. I got them from that cool dude who’s name is spelled G – O – D.
Apparently, I have a deadly infection of dog butt and slobber coursing through my veins at this very moment. I just wanna warn you, this is going to be a long post. It’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote and a lot has happened. I’ve got enough material for a week’s worth of blogs, but why tease? I’ll just give you everything I’ve got and let you sort it out.
On Saturday, I inadvertently stepped on Momo’s giant plastic chew bone. The plastic (sharpened by his constant gnawing) punctured my skin. Today, my foot is red and swollen and I can barely stand on it. Why? Dog licks butt. Dog slobbers on toy. Toy breaks skin. Dog butt slobber enters blood stream. Thanks, Momo. I love you, too.
For the second time during his brief life, my son has decided to “grow his hair out.” Through long hours of observation and experimentation, I have been able to determine that adolescent attitude in males of the species is directly related to the length of the hair. After snottily declaring that reading is “soooo lame!” and hurling a book across the room, I told him that if he didn’t change his attitude I would shave his head in his sleep. Last year he cut his hair once he discovered that after a certain length, frequent hair washing is required. Having long “stoner” bangs isn’t worth three showers a week, I guess.
It took me 13 minutes this morning to convince Ione that she really wasn’t allowed to wear a plastic dog nose at school. We compromised and she simply wore it from the car into her classroom so she could show her friend Skye. On the way in, a little boy sidled up next to Ione. “Hey, Donut.” “Hey, Dustin.” In her classroom, papers and art projects by the kids line the walls. Each one has a sloppily printed name in kindergartner style. Emma. Kate. Isaac. Donut. Her teacher actually said to me the other day, “I’m a little worried. She signs everything Donut. The kids are starting to call her Donut. I am calling her Donut. I’m afraid it’s going to stick!” I looked her in the eye and said, “Lady… nothing would make her happier.” I think her great grandfather, the carnival high dive artist, would be proud: “Come see Donut, the dog faced girl.”
I planned my first retreat – the 2008 VCC Men’s Retreat featuring David Ruis. It was a ton of fun and a huge success. We had meatballs, cheese ball, and beer. Joel Bratt did all the work and I got all the credit. I think I might be a natural at this pastor gig.
I don’t know what Erika has been doing lately; but, she is severely bruised. I worry about her.
I admit it. I haven’t exactly been super positive, super cheery, or even super nice as of late. I apologize. But, everything is changing. I’m over Hillary, the Lakers won a game, and today is Thelonious’ birthday. This morning, when he opened the Pokémon cards we got him, he actually hugged me (while screaming like a little girl) – so, how can I complain. I can’t guarantee happy pappy from this day forward. After all, one of the purposes of this blog is to allow me to dump my negative ideas instead of carrying them around all the time. But, I will do my best to at least be semi-edifying on a semi-regular basis. I promise.
Yesterday I picked Thelonious up early from school. I walked into the office at 11:50 and said, “I’m taking my son, Thelonious Fox.” It was so cool. I didn’t even have to make up an excuse. Which was good, because I was afraid the actual reason would result in the instant (and probably vehement) denial of my request for the early dismissal of my firstborn. Instead, the secretary just radioed to the playground and 5 minutes later a sweaty Thelonious strolled into the office.
“What’s up, Dad?”
“Ohhhh, I dunno. I just thought maybe we would ditch school and go see SPEED RACER!“
I have to say, that was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Speed Racer was incredibly good. I had seen Iron Man the week before and truly enjoyed it – Robert Downey, Jr. was perfection as Tony Stark. But, I have to say Speed Racer was better than Iron Man. And, just because it’s the kind of mood I’m in, I’m going to break it down list style.
Top Five Reasons Why Speed Racer Is Better Than Iron Man:
5. Casting. The casting in Iron Man was reallllllly good – but, Speed Racer was inspiring. Matthew Fox as Racer X? Dear god, it’s the first role he’s actually been good in – ever. From soup to nuts the best cast film since The Big Lebowski.
4. Trixie vs. “Pepper” Potts
3. Visually, Speed Racer was the “best looking” film I have ever seen. And, I don’t mean, “dude, the graphics were over the top!!!” Somehow, the cgi managed to be seamless, realistic, and understated – perfectly enhancing the storytelling. But, more importantly, the Wachowski brothers were able to visually interpret the methods of the original cartoon through the juxtaposition of dead pan close ups of the characters commenting on the story with the action taking place in the background. Iron Man kicked ass, but it looked like every other action movie out this summer.
2. Speed Racer had more monkeys than Iron Man.
1. Speed Racer (the movie) was better than the original. It’s like the Chronicles of Narnia. Everyone knows those were pretty good books considering when they were written. But the first Narnia movie totally ruled! It was way better than the book! It was actually suspenseful and interesting and had real action. Speed Racer is the same way (except the original Speed Racer cartoon was better than the original The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe book to begin with) – its way better than the original. I don’t know if you ever watched the old cartoon, but they didn’t make a lot of sense. Fully one third of every episode was Speed gripping the steering wheel as if his life depended on it and grunting. Ughhh! Another third was recapping what happened before the commercial break – 3 minutes of car race and then 1 minute telling you they had just shown 3 minutes of car race. The final third was a mish mash of the Mach 5 jumping into the air, Chim Chim, and Pops jumping up and down. The Wachowski brothers kept ALL of that, and at the same time formed a surprisingly interesting story with a real narrative structure you could follow. It’s like everything you loved about the original PLUS a plot.
Don’t get me wrong, you need to see Iron Man. But, do whatever it takes, even if you have to pull your kids out of school early, to go see Speed Racer right now!
