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This morning I did some light grocery shopping at the Safeway by our house – the same Safeway we’ve shopped at 2-3 times every week for the past 8 years. Everything seemed pretty normal… till I went to check out. I picked Samantha’s line because she is our favorite checker. I got all the way to the front and started entering my Safeway club card number before I realized it. Samantha was 8 inches taller than she was 3 days ago.
I leaned over the mini conveyor belt to see what she was standing on. There was nothing under her feet but a rubberized mat to counteract the damage done by standing on a concrete floor 8 hours a day. I was about to ask her how a 50 year old woman had grown so quickly. But, when I looked into her face, I suddenly became very confused: those lips look collagen filled; that mole is on the wrong side of the face; her voice is… different.
I didn’t understand. I mean, that was Samantha. She’s hard to miss – it’s as if she walked out of a Motley Crue show at the Troubadour 25 years ago and stepped directly behind the cash register at Safeway. She has a vine tattooed around her upper arm. She is painfully thin. Her hair is 14 different shades of “blonde” and halfway ratted out for a Saturday night in Lynnwood. This is not a grocery store clerk you easily forget – or mistake for someone else.
I thought to myself – could it be? Is it possible that the Safeway management had hired not one super friendly, aging blond hessian with a penchant for blue eyeshadow, but had decided to also hire her twin sister of amazonian height?
But, then… I saw her name tag… and, it read: Samantha!
How could this be? What was happening?!? It was her but it wasn’t her! I mean, she was Samantha, but not the version of Samantha I am used to.
And then it hit me: alternate universe. It’s the only possibility. I must have stepped out of my minivan on Earth Prime and walked through the automatic sliding doors to Earth 2. It just makes sense. Everything is the same, yet just a little bit different. My mind started racing – how else had the reality I’d known been altered here? In this universe, did my wife still love me? Had W taken permanent hold of the executive branch? Were all women 8 inches taller? Was Lex Luthor a good guy?
Simply put, I’ve decided to see the glass as half full and grab this opportunity by the proverbial horns. So, in this universe, I eat 100% of the suggested daily intake of bran every day, exercise 5 times a week, and take my vitamins.
That was easy.
Several months ago, I off handedly mentioned the chili cheese omelette©. to my good friend, Joel Bratt. Much to my dismay, this Michigan native had never even heard of a chili cheese omelette™. Right then and there, I committed to join Joel in a spiritual journey, a quest if you will. The Rastafari may have the herb; but, we have the chili cheese omelette®. Over the course of several months, Joel and I have searched across two counties and three zip codes to find the ultimate chili cheese omelette™. Sure, we’ve found some disappointment along the way. But, as I explained to my young (and good looking) padowan, disappointment is just part of fulfillment.
This morning, we found fulfillment. I present you with the 6 egg chili cheese omelette©.
6 eggs sound daunting for one man, no matter what his level of spiritual maturity. So, when we discovered the hash browns were bottomless, we opted to share. As we wiped the last of the sour cream infused chili juice with our slices of white toast from our plates, something glorious happened. Joel looked at me and said, “I think I could do another.” So, we did. Today, a disciple became a partner.
I love church work.
And, now, I think I will nap.
In honor of the oppressed who gained some level of voice and empowerment in last night’s election, I decided to wear my Clash “Know Your Rights” t-shirt today. Ione and I were brushing our teeth (actually, I was brushing my teeth and she was just hanging out on the toilet) when she saw my shirt and asked, “Daddy, does your shirt say ‘now your rights’?”
“No, sweetie, it says Know. Know your rights.”
“But, daddy, you’re a left.”
Speaking of rights, this morning I came to the realization that I don’t have to be friends with anyone – on facebook that is. See, I’ve been getting riled up about what some people have entered as their “status.” I rile easy, and I de-rile with much work over a long period of time. So, avoiding the initial riling is important for my spiritual health and well being (not to mention the class project due tomorrow). After my blood boiled over one particularly shameful jingoistic “status” I read this morning, I was prepared to explode – figuratively and literally. And then, it occurred to me. I do not have to be facebook friends with individuals who express their vitriolic fear through jackassery. So, I deleted them and feel much better.
Speaking of jackassery, for many years I thought that word had been invented by my friend, Bill Power. Just a few years ago, I discovered it is a real word! I read it in a scholarly theological work on sin by Cornelius Plantinga. Who knew?
Speaking of Plantinga, he understands sin as the lack or absence of shalom (or, “the way things God intended them to be”). I think in last night’s election, a little bit of shalom was restored and the kingdom of God was made visible.
Sometimes, I just don’t have the time or energy to write three to five creative paragraphs about the interesting events happening in my life. I chipped a tooth. My dislike for the GOP has grown. I’m planning the men’s retreat. My family is vacationing in California. See? Sometimes, one sentence is all I have time for. And, that is why, I thank God for facebook’s “status” feature. With the addition of the facebook app on my iphone, I can now continuously and constantly update my status – no matter where I am – so you know exactly what is happening in my life.
I know that most of my existence is too entertaining and unique to be fully captured in a single sentence that always begins with “Jim is…” I realize that reading an actual blog post fulfills your life more than reading “Jim is blogging.” I know that as a complex individual my status changes quite often – sometimes in the midst of changing my status! But, it is better than nothing isn’t it?
And, in the end, I must confess that I find it easier to obsess in 5 word bursts.
It is what it is.
I’ve never been one to hide the fact that clinical depression and I have a long and sordid history. Some people find it hard to believe – “but, Jim, yer so funny and upbeat all the time – how could you be depressed?” The answer is simple. I often choose to be depressed in the privacy of own my home. And, that makes diagnosing my bouts with depression all the harder. But, tonight, I came to a realization. I might be depressed.
Three nights ago, on an impulse, I ran out to Target and bought Rob & Big, Season 1 and 2. I know that doesn’t sound too incriminating on the surface. But, one of the first signs of depression is living vicariously through the friendships you see on tv. In 1995, this was manifest in the series Friends. Every Thursday at 9:31, I could feel my mood sour as I began to miss my “friends” who I wouldn’t be able to hang out with again for seven whole days. But, I digress.
I bought Rob & Big. I watch 2 to 3 hours of Rob and Big and Meaty and Mini Horse per night. I sit alone in my basement and laugh hysterically. I think about what fun it would be to hang out with Rob and Big and accompany them on one of their wacky adventures. I find myself saying, “son” and “do work.” When Thelonious does something I approve of, I let him know I approve by labeling it “official.” Long after my family goes to sleep, I succumb to my depressive tendencies and watch the deleted scenes into the wee hours of the morning. I’m getting worried, though. I only have one disc left. Then what will I do?
Thank God there is only one week left of summer vacation and soon I will be alone in my house for 30 glorious hours per week. My children will be on a schedule and I will have predetermined tasks and responsibilities. What’s this? I feel the cloud of depression lifting already…
I started my Saturday morning by doing some dishes. I came a cross a pink plastic bowl filled with ice. “This is strange,” I thought. I began melting the ice, and there, tucked neatly in the middle of an icy grave was some sort of fruit. It looked like a huge green olive, but lo and behold! It was a kumquat – the one Ione had tucked in her pocket during an evening walk just days ago. I went to the freezer, and what did I find? Dozens of little plastic bowls. It was like an episode of the X-Files. All the bowls were filled precisely 2/3 of the way with water, then frozen. Floating motionlessly in each cryogenic chamber was an item that Ione had liberated from its original resting place.
This one contains a few berries, nothing to worry about. A couple of pebbles in the dish labeled X11. Leaves and three rolly-polly bugs in the yellow bowl – a little morbid, but no need to book an appointment with the therapist.
Apparently, Ione is enjoying her childhood so much that she is preserving some of it for later in life. Perhaps that frozen chunk of donut will come in handy during her early 30’s.
My wife thinks I’m a wacko. She tries to persuade me rationally with “facts” she’s heard on the radio or read in a newspaper. I feel sorry for her.
It all became very clear to me while I was shopping in Safeway yesterday. Coke products: buy 2, get 3 free. Supply and demand. Voodoo economics. All that crap. It’s prime soft drink season – their peak, you might say. And, what are they doing? Giving it away.
Allow me to explain the high price of gas. No matter what Obama or the “news” or my wife says, there is no reason why gas couldn’t be $3.00 per gallon. Oh, just slow down, “Mr. I’m an expert on the price of oil because I watch CNN” and let me explain. The cost of gas has not gone up because of the war or because of limited supply. There is virtually just as much oil in the ground as there was 9 months ago when I was furious about gas prices pushing up past $3.00 per gallon. I used to think the prices had gone up because the oil industry was evil and our corrupt government was part of the evil oil industry and they were all just greedy and wanted to make a few bucks and thought killing a bunch of brown people was a good way to jack up the prices. Now, I know better – because John McCain is trying to sell me on the idea of off shore oil drilling – and, hell, if it will lower the cost of gas, I might even want it.
It all became very clear. Record profits. Even higher prices for the consumer. This whole damn thing has been an elaborate test market set up by the Coca-Cola corporation so they can charge me $27.89 for a 6 pack of Diet Coke next summer!
Bastards!
The weather in Seattle might suck, but this a glorious day which proves that God is real and that He is good!
At 7:45 am, I heard the pitter pat of Ione racing down the hall. Crap, I thought. Time to get up. She ran into the room, dove into my bed and snuggled me like a giant stuffed animal for another hour. Then, get this, THEN I drank some coffee and took care of all Red 5 work for the day – the DAY, I say! Next came some blogging and backyard zip-line research. An hour, a full glorious hour of working on church administrative kinda stuff. Now what? Hmmmm, I think I’ll play with the kids for awhile. Then, I checked in with an old friend who is a new father. Then, you won’t believe this, I helped the kids clean their rooms! And, I was nice! No yelling, no cursing, no threats. I suddenly realized it was lunch time, so I made – wait, that might need some emphasis – so, I made lunch, including a tasty lil chicken salad for myself. The kids and I took some time to debate the plausibility of magic and Santa Claus. Cleaned the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, vacuumed (which is a very difficult word to spell) for a bit. I then taught Thelonious how to take the recycling out. Did you hear that?!!?? My boy is doing REAL chores that make MY life easier! All this before 1pm. What will I do with the rest of the day? More housework? Yardwork? Play with the kids? Read comic books?!?
Do you not understand what this means, people?!?! I HAVE TIME! I have enough time to get it ALL done – and, then some! I better not let these tears of joy hit my keyboard or it might short out… ohhh, what a glorious day!
I admit it. I haven’t exactly been super positive, super cheery, or even super nice as of late. I apologize. But, everything is changing. I’m over Hillary, the Lakers won a game, and today is Thelonious’ birthday. This morning, when he opened the Pokémon cards we got him, he actually hugged me (while screaming like a little girl) – so, how can I complain. I can’t guarantee happy pappy from this day forward. After all, one of the purposes of this blog is to allow me to dump my negative ideas instead of carrying them around all the time. But, I will do my best to at least be semi-edifying on a semi-regular basis. I promise.
Daddy… knock, knock.
Who’s there, Ione?
Erika and JiiiIIiiim kissing in a tree.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Erika fell out
and, Jim kissed the treeEEE!
